My Sister, My Sister

Women are something else. I just can’t seem to get along with them. They are petty, jealous, and unscrupulous. I get along better with men.

How many times have we heard these comments FROM WOMEN? I have heard it over and over. Women just don’t like the characteristics of other women. Saying these statements implies that only “other” women are nasty and spiteful. Not me. I’m the only good woman alive today. In actuality, when you say these statements about other women, you are speaking about yourself too. What you perceive in others is a reflection of you.

So is there truth to these notions about the nature of women? Surely there is. When we are involved in all female groups, we often find we get very little accomplished. We bicker about little things instead of just compromising and getting on with it.

Let’s take this scenario for an example:

Your women’s group is planning a fundraiser to benefit needy children in the community. You go to a planning meeting that is supposed to last for an hour. Group member Sally suggests having a formal dinner to raise the money. Everyone else agrees. However, another group member, Sue, didn’t get to put on her charity event last year. Therefore, she finds little details to pick apart Sally’s idea. Since Martha is Sue’s friend, she has to side with Sue. Now the meeting lasts for three hours instead of one. Nothing gets accomplished. Everyone leaves feeling discouraged and saying, “See, I knew women were something else.” You can just imagine what might happen. Sue and Sally will make snide remarks to one another. Everyone will gossip. Some people will go to Sally and tell her things that Sue said. Some people will drop out because they are just tired of the whole silly thing. An event that could have been fruitful to all will probably never happen. If it does happen, it will probably not be as good as it should because everyone won’t be giving their all.

But just because that’s the way it sometimes is, does not mean that is the way it is supposed to be. It is supposed to be just the opposite. Women are not naturally aggressive and hostile. Women are built to be nurturing and constructive. That is the way God designed us. We are motherers, even if we aren’t mothers. Our purpose is to cultivate, not destroy. The destructive behavior does not come from nature but environment.

Most often, the aggression we demonstrate is not physical (though it sometimes can be). We use our words and behaviors to attack others. We gossip about, exclude and cut down other women. The inclination to aggress comes from a fear that some need is not going to be satisfied. Most often, aggressive behavior stems from not feeling valued, appreciated or affirmed by others. African American women have historically been the least valued, appreciated and affirmed. Perhaps this explains the stereotype of the neck-rolling, sassy, no nonsense black woman. Black women feel they must protect themselves and their turf. They must demand respect even if it’s through fear. They must protect themselves, because no one else is going to do it. It starts when we’re young. Little black girls sometimes even resort to physical brutality. The girl who can fight is applauded by her peers.

We do not have to accept this stereotype. We can end the cycle of conflict among women. We can choose to network with one another, drawing upon one another’s strengths to build one another up. We can stop relating with one another with the underlying belief that if she wins I must lose. Instead, we can see that if she wins, I win too. We can realize that if my sister contributes her all, I contribute my best effort, and we help each other, we all will benefit. But if I undermine my sister’s efforts, no one will win. We can begin to encourage those women who are doing positive things instead of stirring up nasty rumors about them. Often times, we see another woman’s strengths as a sign of our own weaknesses. Instead we can choose to be inspired by powerful women, even ask them for advice. Furthermore, we can develop a zero tolerance for gossip. Don’t promote, participate in or even listen to it. Change the subject to something positive or just leave the room. Finally, we can begin to rely on God to supply all our needs. We can look to Him for validation, affirmation and appreciation.

Women are the social constructors. If we build one another up, we can work together to build a better society. If women change their behaviors, the whole world will change.